The Future of Marriage

Some of the Sadducees, who say there is no resurrection, came to Jesus with a question. "Teacher," they said, "Moses wrote for us that if a man's brother dies and leaves a wife but no children, the man must marry the widow and raise up offspring for his brother. Now there were seven brothers. The first one married a woman and died childless. The second and then the third married her, and in the same way the seven died, leaving no children. Finally, the woman died too. Now then, at the resurrection whose wife will she be, since the seven were married to her?" (Luke 20:27-33 NIV)

The Sadducees did not believe there was a resurrection of the dead and life everlasting.  They were sad, you see. (Sorry, it’s not my joke.  I’m just passing it along.) They were trying to challenge Jesus, who obviously believes that there is resurrection of the dead and life everlasting.  So, they asked him a question that would pose a real problem in the afterlife.  Who would be married to this woman?  Does God’s law create a problem for the afterlife?

Jesus replied, "The people of this age marry and are given in marriage. But those who are considered worthy of taking part in the age to come and in the resurrection from the dead will neither marry nor be given in marriage, and they can no longer die; for they are like the angels. They are God's children, since they are children of the resurrection. (Luke 20:34-36 NIV)

Jesus’ answer not only solved the problem put forth by the Sadducees.  It also gives us insight into the reason for marriage.  Marriage is the place where we become one flesh and receive the gift of children.  These children are needed to fulfill God’s command to be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth.  They are also needed because we eat the forbidden fruit, sin, and die.  The human race would not continue without the special relationship of marriage.

But in the account of the burning bush, even Moses showed that the dead rise, for he calls the Lord 'the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.' He is not the God of the dead, but of the living, for to him all are alive." (Luke 20:37-38 NIV)

In the next life, however, we no longer need to fulfill the command to be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth.  We will have already done that.  In addition, we will all be allowed to eat from the tree of life so no one will die.  We will get to be with God face to face.  Our relationships with people will be loving relationships, too, since only those who choose to love God and people in this life will be able to enjoy the next with God.  Marriage goes away because we don’t need to procreate and the pleasures of the next life are far greater than anything we have in this.  In the future, not only will we not need marriage.  We won’t want it.  We will be fulfilled with great relationships with everyone.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Look! God's dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 'He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children. (Revelation 21:3-7 NIV)

Don’t get me wrong, I still ask God for adjoining rooms with Traci when we get there.  I look forward to my partner in this life still being my best friend in the next.  I simply expect that our relationship will move to the next level.  It will truly be heavenly.

How about you?  Do you look forward to our relationships in the next life?  Can you imagine a life with relationships even better than a great marriage?

Walking Together with God

After the church services on Sunday, I was talking with one of the young men about the sermon.  “You’re probably thinking to yourself, ‘I can’t believe my pastor was talking about sex like that.’”  “Yeah,” he replied, “A LOT!”  After reading this week’s posts you may feel the same.  The thing is, I talked about sex this past Sunday roughly the same amount of time it is presented to this young man in one episode of one television series.  It just felt like a long time because what I said made him uncomfortable.

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. (Colossians 3:18-19 NIV)

Usually, we find ourselves uncomfortable when the picture God provides in Scripture does not match the picture we had going into the sermon.  The result, then, is that we are face to face with a disconnect.  We thought one thing.  Scripture says something else.  We feel uncomfortable because accepting what God’s Word says means admitting that we were wrong.

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (1 Peter 3:1-7 NIV)

Sometimes we get uncomfortable because the wrong picture came from our parents, our friends, or others in the world.  Other times, though, we find ourselves uncomfortable because we are not understanding God’s Word very well.  We are uneasy because it doesn’t seem to fit the rest of what God says.  It looks like it is saying one thing, but it still doesn’t feel right.  We just don’t know why.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church-- for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:22-33 NIV)

The passages I’ve included here create one such tension.  Every time I do pre-marriage counselling and get to these passages, the women struggle with being told to submit.  Men know they are called to love their wives, but feel uncomfortable about the difference as well.  It just doesn’t feel right to them, and for good reason.  They’re not completely understanding what God is saying here.  So, I back them up one verse in Ephesians 5 to help them see the big picture.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Ephesians 5:21)

Paul makes this statement to the church in Ephesus to introduce a whole section where he speaks to husbands and wives, parents and children, and slaves and masters.  Paul is helping people understand how they can submit to one another even when the roles they fill in society are unequal.  They can still submit to one another as a follower of Christ.  Why would they care about submitting to one another?  Because that’s what Christ did.  That’s what Christ taught.  That’s what it means to be a Christ follower.  Even in Christ’s church, leadership is defined by serving.

Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all." (Mark 9:35 NIV)

When we look at marriage ough this lens, we start to see that it is about much more than sex.  Marriage is the first place where we learn to love our neighbor as ourselves.  Marriage is the first place where we learn to lead by serving.  Marriage is the first place where we show the world how great relationships can be.  Marriage is about walking together with God.

How about you?  What does this do to your picture of marriage?

Married

But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:9 NIV)

Marriage is tied to sex so much that Paul admits that, while there are great advantages to being single, none of those advantages are worth it if we are burning with passion.  In that case, it is better to be married.

One time my son was learning about singleness, marriage, and sexuality.  I had him looking up any Scriptures he could find on the subject.  He came back to me at one point and asked, “Dad, are people married automatically when they have sex?”  I asked him why.  He showed me passages like this:

Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her (Genesis 24:67a NIV)

He was right.  The passages tie the two concepts together so much that we cannot separate the two.  We still have this concept today.  We call it consummating the marriage.  It’s the part that takes place after the wedding ceremony and reception are all over.  It’s the part where they are “really married before God.”  It brought up another interesting question, then.  Does that mean that every time someone has sex with another person, they are getting married?  Perhaps that explains many the negative after-effects of sleeping around.

Now for the matters you wrote about: "It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman." But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. (1 Corinthians 7:1-6 NIV)

I spoke with a man on an airplane trip once.  He had just learned about this passage in Scripture and couldn’t wait to go tell his wife about it.  He was going to tell her that she had to sleep with him whenever he wanted because the Bible said so.  I spent most of the three hour trip trying to help him see that this was a concession, not a command.  I’m not sure that I succeeded.  There is far more to marriage than sex.  Some of us, however, can’t seem to see past the sex.  That’s why the marriage is so full of turmoil.  We’re not letting other parts of God’s design into the relationship.

No widow may be put on the list of widows unless she is over sixty, has been faithful to her husband, and is well known for her good deeds, such as bringing up children, showing hospitality, washing the feet of the Lord's people, helping those in trouble and devoting herself to all kinds of good deeds. As for younger widows, do not put them on such a list. For when their sensual desires overcome their dedication to Christ, they want to marry. Thus they bring judgment on themselves, because they have broken their first pledge. (1 Timothy 5:9-12 NIV)

How about you?  Did you decide to get married?  Was it all about the romance and sex, or were other things more important to you?  Does marriage help you stay pure?

Unmarried

There are two reasons for which God designed sex.  The first is procreation (creating children).  The second is pleasure (building intimacy).  Because God created sex powerful and enjoyable as a gift to the husband and wife.  Because it is both powerful and enjoyable, however, God’s design is that it will help bond a husband and wife together – even when they may want to stray from one another.  It is supposed to be powerful, enjoyable, and, many times, bring the couple a gift from God.  The gift isn’t only the joy of sex.  The gift is the child it produces.  When God gives them the child, God wants both parents there to love, raise, and build the child up.  That is why God doesn’t want us to divorce.

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." "Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?" Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery." (Matthew 19:3-9 NIV)

Jesus’ disciples weren’t too happy about his teachings on this subject.  People had problems in their marriages back then just like they do now.  People would get divorced just like they do now as well.  This was an accepted practice.  When Jesus was asked a tough question about marriage and divorce, I’m sure his disciples would have been much happier if he had given a politically acceptable answer.  Maybe he could say that he personally thinks divorce is wrong, but that he doesn’t feel the church should interfere in such affairs.  Instead, Jesus takes a hard line on this.  He says that divorce is wrong, against God’s design, and even causes people to commit the sin of adultery.

The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry." Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others--and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it." (Matthew 19:10-12 NIV)

In case you don’t know what it is, a eunuch is a person who cannot have sex because they don’t have the necessary organs.  Some are born with birth defects that cause it.  Others were made that way.  But, Jesus says here, some choose to live this way for the sake of the kingdom.  In other words, they choose not to get married (which means they are choosing not to have sex) so that they can focus on God’s call in their lives.  This is the calling of the unmarried.  The apostle, Paul, lived this way his whole life.  His ministry spread the Kingdom of God all across the world of his day.

I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. (1 Corinthians 7:7-8 NIV)

Singleness is a great calling from God.  It allows the unmarried to focus on the ministries God has in store for them.

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs--how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world--how he can please his wife-- and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world--how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:32-35 NIV)

How about you?  Are you unmarried?  When unmarried, did you see it as a calling from God?  Do you see it as a gift?  Do you live the single lifestyle in a way that God designed? Can people see it in your life?  In your ministry?

Marriage Builder

Last week we focused on building relationships with other people – learning to love our neighbors as ourselves.  As we looked at those relationships, we reminded ourselves that the love we have for our neighbors has no romantic component to it at all.  The Greeks had a word specifically for romantic love, but that word was never used in the Scriptures.  Our love for our neighbor is always platonic, pure, and holy.

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (Genesis 2:18 NIV)

God did, however, build into us the capacity for a romantic relationship.  In fact, this is at the heart of God’s definition for “suitable”.  Before God created the suitable helper, God showed Adam what it would mean.

Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. (Genesis 2:19-20 NIV)

Adam was brought animal after animal.  He was given the job of naming them, which he did.  I wonder how long it took before he figured it out.  “Zebra.” “Giraffe.” “Elephant.” “Duck-billed platypus.”  When in the process did it dawn on him. “None of these are like me.”

So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." (Genesis 2:21-23 NIV)

This one was not like all the others he had named.  This one was like him.  She was bone of his bone.  She was flesh of his flesh.  She was human just like him.  But she was a little bit different.  That difference made it so that he could be joined with her in a special way.

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24 NIV)

In one creative act, God created both the institution of marriage and the design of sex.  This was all a part of God’s design.  This suitable helper (לו  עזר  כנגדו׃) would be the same, yet opposite.  She would be bone and flesh, yet complimentary in design.  God brought woman to man so that she could help him fulfill God’s first command to them both. 

God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground." (Genesis 1:28 NIV)

What about you?  Does this match your picture of God, marriage, and sexuality?  Do you know how to build one special relationship in your life around this part of God’s design?  Are you a marriage builder?