Bare Minimum

But now Tamar tore her robe and put ashes on her head. And then, with her face in her hands, she went away crying. Her brother Absalom saw her and asked, "Is it true that Amnon has been with you? Well, my sister, keep quiet for now, since he's your brother. Don't you worry about it." So Tamar lived as a desolate woman in her brother Absalom's house. When King David heard what had happened, he was very angry. And though Absalom never spoke to Amnon about this, he hated Amnon deeply because of what he had done to his sister. (2 Samuel 13:19-22 NLT)

Whenever something bad happens, we all struggle with our response.

How would I respond to Tamar?  She  was just raped by her half-brother.

How to I respond to Amnon?  He planned and executed this evil.

How would I respond as David, her father?  How would I respond as Absalom, her brother?

Most importantly, how does God want me to respond?

I never like dealing with "where's the line" kind of questions.  I always feel like people are asking, "What's the bare minimum I can do to not get zapped by God?"  When in reality we should be asking, "What is God's picture for my life and how can I get closer to it?"

God's picture for marriage and sexuality is quite clear...and beautiful.  He wants a man and a woman to commit before God that they will live life faithfully loving one another.  They communicate this pledge to witnesses so everyone knows of the commitment.  Then, they can share the pleasure of sexual intimacy and the resulting children as gifts from God.  This is His design.

When things fall short of this picture, then, we end up asking what to do to restore the picture.  In David's day, the law gave many examples to help them understand what to do.

First of all, sleeping together without marriage is wrong.  Punishment for wrong will take place.

If the woman is engaged or married to another man, someone is going to die.  If they both chose to sleep together, they both died.  If he raped her, only the man died - she was the victim. (Deuteronomy 22:22-27)

Tamar, however, wasn't married or engaged, so different laws apply.

Since you can't just "hook up" without the rest of the package of marriage (loving, providing, protecting, etc.), the man is told to marry the woman he slept with and never to leave her.  He must take care of her the rest of their lives. (Deuteronomy 22:28-29)  This part of the Old Testament law is still lived out every time there is a "shot gun wedding" that takes place - although nowadays it often doesn't happen until their's a pregnancy involved.  The reality, though, was that God wanted couples to commit to loving and caring for one another, then bring children into that picture.

Tamar, however, was Amnon's half-sister.  Additional laws, then apply.

Don't sleep with your sister or half-sister. (Leviticus 18:9)  This comes in a long list of prospects you can and can't have sexual relations with.  By extension, then, you really couldn't marry them either.  I guess you could technically marry the person, take them into your household and care, and never have sexual relations, but Amnon was clearly not interested in taking care of Tamar.  He just wanted what he got.

So, the bare minimum that should happen, then, is this.

Tamar should not be punished in any way.  She was the victim - not at fault.

Amnon should be exiled from the Israelite community (Leviticus 18:29)

Instead,

David got angry and did nothing.

Absalom grew in anger, bitterness, and hatred; fueled by seeing Amnon on a regular basis.

God's instructions weren't followed and it would create even more problems.

I know that we don't always understand  the reasons for God's way.  But at some point in our lives, it really helps to trust that His way is best.  It helps even more when we follow His way.  Even the "bare minimum" would have given Tamar the ability to heal without facing Amnon all the time.  God's solutions would have put Amnon out of sight, so Absalom would have time to calm down.  God's solution would have encouraged Tamar and Absolom that David was at least doing something to punish Amnon rather than just letting him get away with it.  God's way, even the "bare minimum," always points us back to justice, healing, and good.